AaronNevins.Tumblr.com
LEGACY

I’m nearly 23-and-a-half years old, so naturally I’ve been thinking a lot about my legacy. What will I be remembered for? What kind of mark am I going to leave on this Earth when my body is buried in it? This led me to think about my parents, and what they had accomplished by the time they were my age.

Before my dad’s 23rd birthday, he had already completed two tours of duty in Vietnam, earning a Silver Star medal for his service. After returning home, he managed to get a job as a schoolteacher, quickly becoming one of the most beloved teachers at Glennbrook Elementary.

When my mom was 23, she fought in the famous Ford Sewing Machinists Strike, which resulted in the Equal Pay Act of 1970, a major piece of legislation for women’s wages. Later that same year, she left her home country of England to start her own sewing business in America - a business that, although small, thrives to this very day.

Thinking about this really gives me perspective, because none of it is even true at all. I made it all up. My dad never fought in a war, and died a mostly penniless limo driver. My mom is a recovering alcoholic who has spent most of her adult life unemployed.

So I’ve determined that the best thing I can do for my legacy is have children who are willing to significantly inflate and/or outright lie about my accomplishments.

Either that or do something truly great in my lifetime which, frankly, seems like a lot of work.

Imagine you are a diabetic grandma who has just been kidnapped by a group of hoodlums who are diabolical enough to bring upon you a sugary demise, but polite enough to allow you to pick your poison. Do you choose: A. Nutter Butters B. Slim Jim's' Limited Edition Southwest Vanilla Fiesta C. A tub of butterscotch cake frosting, or D. All of the TD Bank lollipops

This is an easy one. I would choose E. 30 of those chocolate lava cake things that you get from family-style chain restaurants like Applebee’s or Chili’s.

By the way, I just went to the Applebee’s website and realized that their new slogan is “See You Tomorrow,” which is really cocky and unappealing. Here are my suggested alternatives:

Applebee’s: It only seems like a good idea because you’re really hungry.

Applebee’s: Isn’t it weird that people actually hang out at the bar here?

Applebee’s: Come order 30 of those chocolate lava cake things, Aaron.

Check out this new piece I wrote for Slacktory.
I’ve devised an amazing plan to get your favorite artists to stop selling out.

Check out this new piece I wrote for Slacktory.

I’ve devised an amazing plan to get your favorite artists to stop selling out.

Hey, look! It’s a video from my interview with TV legend Marc Summers (Double Dare, Unwrapped) on my live show HANG ON. Marc talks about why he always hated What Would You Do?, drops some shocking revelations about Unwrapped, performs an impromptu musical number, and so much more.

If you’re ever in the Philly area, you should check out the show some time. www.facebook.com/HangOnShow

strangemeal:

NEW VIDEO. WATCH IT. The sizzling story that’s been sweeping the web for minutes turns out to be a hoax. Subscribe to achieve total enlightenment.

Hey, a new video from Strangemeal. Written by John McKeever, edited by me.

strangemeal:

Check out our new video, VACCINES. Much more comedy to come. Subscribe to our channel and stay tuned.

www.strangemeal.com everybody.

New episode of The Up-and-Comer, featuring Dave Attell! Which also documents the time I opened for Dave Attell under the weirdest possible circumstances.

New episode of the Up-and-Comer with Nick DiPaolo! I introduce Nick to my agent and my new, edgier onstage persona.

New episode of The Up-and-Comer with the hilarious Natasha Leggero! I ran into her in the sauna along with all of her viking children.

New episode of The Up-and-Comer with guest Joey “CoCo” Diaz! And real peppers. And a fake turkey.